Veggietales Star Wars: Rogue One
by Ek01
Summary: The hilarious, musical version of the story of how the Rebels stole the plans for the Death Star. Between the struggles on the home front, love, honor, (not to mention a whole lotta Eastern philosophy) and trust, these are the Stars, behind the Wars. There's no Empires striking one or Jedi's returning here!
1. Cassian and Bodhi

\--/--/-/--/

/

15 years later...

\--/-/--

-/--

It was incredibly dark. A television flashed on, playing a black-and-white cartoon.

\--"HELLO!!"--"If you or a loved

one is watching this program, you must act now and help save the Galaxy! How can you do this, you might ask? Why, by buying War

Bonds priced ever-so efficiently at five credits a pop! One War Bond equals a laser for the blaster of a soldier to fire right in Der Space

Füher's face! Don't got enough to buy a Bond? Grow a victory garden, or better yet, donate any rubber, nylon, or metal to your local army surplus store. You're our only hope!Remember! Loose lips sink starships, and if you drive alone, you ride with Krennic!"-

The TV was turned off by an alien leek.

("Every day it's the same thing.") He said in a foreign language. ("They

think you can save the world just by buying a piece of paper with words on it. They're FRAUDS, eh, Captain?")

"Yeah.." said a radish next to him.

"It takes real training to take down those dogs...Ill have another one."

The alien passed him some bottle of Tatooinian spirits. The radish poured some in a shot glass and downed it in one gulp.

("Will that be all today, Cassian?") the barkeep asked.

"Yes..." the radish chuckled. "If the boys caught me here they'd say I disobeyed the alcohol limit!"

Cassian got off his chair and looked around. The marketplace was usually very quiet, but since it was the weekend, it was packed to the brim with thousands of aliens and other species from across the Galaxy.

Out of the corner of his eye, Cassian saw a very suspicious looking carrot.

The carrot looked a bit middle-eastern with his beard and facial features. He wore an Imperial pilot's uniform.

Cassian gritted his teeth and charged right at him.

"AIIIee!!" The carrot

screamed as he

was knocked to the

ground.

"YOU!!" Cassian yelled.

"M-me?!!"

"Yes YOU!!" Exclaimed Cassian.

"Who are you, and what's your name?!!"

"BODHI!!" Exclaimed the frightened carrot. "Bodhi Rook's my name...I'm a pilot for the Empire, a-and I-I know where you can get those plans!"

"How should I know I can trust you..." Cassian gripped Bodhi's neck, choking him.

"Be-because I don't wanna be with the Empire anymore?"

"Two strikes and you're out, bub..." Cassian continued to tighten his grip.

"I...I know of Galen Erso!"

"You do?" Cassian gasped.

"y-yeah!" Piped Bodhi. "The guy that made the Weapon! He is being taken into custody right now--the only person who'd know where to find him is his daughter!"

Bodhi gagged those last words out of his mouth. Cassian smiled.

"Now tell me, pilot..." said Cassian, sternly. Bodhi gulped.

Cassian pressed him tight to the wall.

"Where is this daughter of Galen Erso?!"


	2. Jyn

Imperial Labor Camp on Wobani...and Kyber Crystal

Refinery

The sun beat down on the completely barren, yet mountainous, jagged planet. It was very quiet, sans the clanging of pickaxes and singing voices of those poor souls who were (practically enslaved!) working.

Yes, many called this practice unconstitutional and inhumane, but it was just the Empire's way of punishing people.

"O-o-h, Child,

Things are gonna

get easier,

O-o-h, Child,

Things'll get

brighter.."

"STOP SINGIN' AND START SWINGIN' YOU WORTHLESS MAGGOTS!!" The Overseer called to the chain gang who was mining a

large mountain. The chain gang

continued to mine, but when the Overseer had left, they started to sing again.

"Some day,

yeah

We'll get it

together and we'll

get it all done

Some day

When your head

is much

lighter!"

"HALLELUJAH!!" Exclaimed a pea.

"Some day,

yeah

We'll walk in the

rays of a beautiful

sun

Some day

When the world is

much

brighter..."

"LLLLAAAWWD ALMIGHTY,

DELIVER US!!"

While the chain gang continued to mine and sing, a freighter carrying transfers from the east of Wobani docked. Within that freighter, were some of the most killjoy killers, murderous murderers, and ruthless robbers in the history of the Galaxy.

But there was one woman who didn't belong in that crowd. She hadn't any idea of what she did, and if she tried to plead with the warden, he would cruelly dismiss her.

This woman, was the now 23-year-old Jyn Erso.

In those years she had grown from scared and weak, to tough and brave with a thick skull, quick wits, and a backbone. Fed on nothing but a strange yet nourishing health-type formula in place of food, she was one of the toughest prisoners there was.

Jyn had seen truly gritty and horrifying things in that camp, but these were so often it became as normal as brushing ones teeth two times a day.

Suddenly, the freighter came to a stop. The door broke open, and a bunch of men started to free the prisoners. Jyn was astounded. A radish wearing a navy-blue parka approached Jyn.

"Hello." He said.

"...uh." Was all Jyn could say at the moment.

"The name's Andor. Cassian Andor." The radish introduced. "Come with me."

Jyn blinked.

She raised a non-existent leg and kicked him in a rather suggestive area. Cassian fell to the floor and more people came and tried to get Jyn, but she would always upper-cut, headlock, and karate-chop them. Finally, she tried to run out but she was stopped by something very tall. Under closer inspection, this was an Imperial droid.

"Congratulations." Said the Imperial Droid. "You're being rescued--you're welcome."


	3. the Rebellion

Meanwhile, Bodhi Rook had been captured by some aliens. They had

bought him to Jedha with a bag

on his head. All that the carrot could hear was a mix of foreign

languages, Jawa, Ugnaught, Mandalore, there were a lot of people here.

"Bring the carrot closer..." said a strange voice.

"Wait..." Said Bodhi, muffled from within the bag. "Is that JigSaw Gerrera?!"

A few aliens said a "yes." Bodhi was

then carried out of the desert and into a room, where he was interrogated about the Weapon. Gerrera asked him whom was the designer of the Weapon, but he would always reply with an "I dunno."

\--

\--

Jyn was escorted to a secret room on the planet where the ship carrying the saviors landed. From every corner, machinery whirred and beeped. A small R2 unit ran by her, and she looked out a window to see thousands of X-wings.

"Okay! OKAY!" Exclaimed Jyn. "I dunno who you people are or what you want with me, but could someone please tell me WHAT THE HECK IS GOIN' ON?!!"

All the members of the Rebellion, be they officers, nurses, pilots, officials, or droids came out to see Jyn. They separated to reveal a tall leek female with red hair and a white dress.

"We, are the Republic, young lady." Said the leek.

"My name is Mon Mothma, and we have bought you here for a reason, Jyn."

"Please, ma'am, I must find my father, Galen!" Said Jyn.

"The Empire is far too dangerous to fight alone, my child." Mon Mothma sighed. "You haven't any training, they could kill a girl like you if you even tried to access one of their bases."

"As for their base security systems, they are unlike any other. There's lasers!" Said a soldier.

"Imperial droids!" Said a pilot.

"Laser Imperial droids!" Said the tall, sassy droid Jyn had encountered earlier.

"Anywho," Mon Mothma approached Jyn. "This is to give you a second chance. We need more troops to fight against the Empire, Jyn, and Cassian thought you'd be the perfect choice, what, with your father's previous occupation and all."

'How did she know my name?' Thought Jyn.

Jyn was not sure what she had gotten herself into, or why this dude found her specifically, but she certainly did not like it.


	4. Squidmouth

"Now, Pilot." Said JigSaw. "Spill the beans or else!"

"Or else what?!" Said Bodhi.

"Or else you're gonna answer to him..."

Four creatures opened a large door in front of Bodhi. Behind the door was an enormous, slimy creature about as large and wide as a Hutt. Bodhi gulped.

"No lie is safe...from BOR GULLET!!" Exclaimed JigSaw.

The monstrous being extended its gooey tentacles at Bodhi. Bodhi screamed somethin' awful as they wrapped around his body, one even went inside his mouth and moved into his brain!

"THITH...ITH...actually quite relaxing!" He sighed. "He tathe juth like thushi!"

The carrot salivated a whole bunch and moaned. He continued to suck on the strange fish-like saltiness of the tentacle. The creatures working for JigSaw looked at each other, one was about to puke.

"This is messed up." Said one of the aliens.

Because Bodhi was slightly incapable of breathing with Bor Gullet's deliciously flavored tentacles in his maw, he wasn't exactly all there.

When he opened his eyes, he gasped.

The world was made of sushi!

Tuna rolls, crab rolls, any form of

sushi imaginable lied before his eyes. A sushi roll resembling a

Japanese chef pulled out a box,

lifting the lid off to reveal two black

chopsticks with blue kanji calligraphy of his name around them.

"Chopsticks, Bodhi-san?" He asked.

Bodhi hadn't any time for an arigato.

He simply took the Asian utensils, because he had

some eating to do!!

"I got chills,

They're

multiplyin',

And I'm loooo-sin'

self contro-ol,

Cause the power,

You're supplyin',

It's electrifyin'!"

Bodhi ripped off the head of a wasabi man and dipped it in a soy sauce river with a shrimp. He took a bite--absolutely delicious!

"You better

shape up,

'Cause you're the

only one,

And my heart is

set on you

You better shape

up,

You better

understand,

To my heart I must

be true..."

Five sushi dressed as geishas with lettuce kimonos and rice-paper fans danced across a stage with a sushi audience. Bodhi, wearing an identical outfit, snuck onto the

stage and devoured them all. The sushi audience applauded, then

Bodhi jumped off the stage, crowd-surfing while at the same time eating the crowd.

"You're the one

that I want!

(One that I want)

Hoo-hoo-hoo-

honey!

You're the one

that I want!

(One that I want)

Hoo-hoo-hoo-

honey!

The one I need,

Oh yes indeed!"

Bodhi jumped off a cutting-board and flipped into a green tea sea. He grabbed the tentacle of a calamari and started eating it, finishing with a large gulp of the green tea sea.

"You're the one

that I want!

(One that I want)

Hoo-hoo-hoo-

honey!"

Bodhi lay down with his mouth open. A flock of origami cranes made of cabbage fluttered into his

mouth, followed by a calamari, a rice ball, some mochi, and a cute little crab roll holding a rice paper fan. One by one, an endless parade of sushi and other Japanese delicatessens jumped into his mouth, even an entire gallon of soy

sauce and the contents of a bento

box!

"I'm in heaven..." he thought.

————-

"You're the one

that I want!

(One that I want)

Hoo-hoo-hoo-

honey!"

"HELLO?! GALAXY TO PILOT! YOU IN THERE?!" Yelled JigSaw.

Bodhi did not respond. Even though Bor Gullet had removed his tentacles from Bodhi's mouth, the pilot was still delusional and tasting figment-of-his-imagination sushi. He also continued to sing.

"You're the one

that I want!

(One that I want)

Hoo-hoo-hoo-

honey!"

"You know what--yknow just, just throw the kid out." Said JigSaw. "He's useless to us."


	5. Marshmallow man

Meanwhile, aboard an Imperial Star Destroyer, a lot of activity was going around...

Officers, technicians, and other officials were working on a weapon for the Empire. This such weapon, was a metallic ball-shaped space station the size of a planet. This space station had the power of a thousands suns and could destroy a thousand suns in the same day.

It was here, amidst all the activity, where Orson Krennic, approached his longtime rival: a citrus fruit about his age by the name of Tart-Kin. Tart-Kin was to become the Grand Moff, and he and Orson would constantly fight for the attention of Verdura.

"Hello, Clementine." Sighed Orson.

"Greetings, Krennic." Said Clementine.

"How's the baby?" Said Tart-kin with a smirk.

"Whatever do you mean?" Asked Orson.

"You know perfectly well..." said Tart-kin. "It's because you're so--" Tart-kin inhaled, puffing up his cheeks and stomach. He then pointed at Krennic.

Orson scoffed.

'How dare he do that' he thought.

"Well, I'm not the one with all the CGI on his face, now am I?!" He exclaimed.

Tart-kin clenched his teeth. He advanced foreword, poking Orson in the stomach.

"Now see here, marshmallow-man!"

"Oh--It is on like Donkey Kong, cartoon-face!"

Orson and Tart-kin continued to taunt, about to engage in a fistfight.

"Gentlemen, PLEASE!" Said an officer trying to break them up.

"...Stuck-up narcissist!"

"Know what little children say when they see you? They're like "Oh my

gosh, Mama, look it's Baymax! Can I hug him?" That's right..."

"Grand Moff--'Grandma' seems a bit more appropriate don't you think!!?"

"GEN-TLE-MEN!!!" Exclaimed the officer. "Aren't you aware that there are more pressing matters to attend to other than calling each other names like CHILDREN?!!!"

"Oh, yeah..."

"Right."

"Now then.." the officer turned and adressed Orson like a drill sergeant. "Have you Galen Erso?"

"Yes." Said Orson. "The wife and child are dead as well."

"Wonderful." Said the officer. "Report this information back to Lord Verdura at once."

"I shall." Said Orson. "The two of you are dismissed."

The officer and Tart-kin walked away, so did Orson.

Suddenly he stopped. Orson blinked his eyes. He rapidly started inhaling, for he felt very light-headed.

"oh..my...I...Imustremovethisthing!!"

"HEY YOU!!" He called to a Stormtrooper.

"Me, Sir?" The Stormtrooper turned around.

"YES YOU!" Replied Orson. "GET--GET THIS WRETCHED CONSTRICTOR OFF ME THIS INSTANT!!"

"Okay! Okay!"

Lifting up Orson's uniform, the poor trooper was now (unfortunately) one of the first people to discover the deepest darkest secret of Director Krennic: around the circumference of his red, tight, blotchy waist was a black velvet women's corset.

The Stormtrooper fiddled with the knots until he got the extremely constricting piece off.

(*KER-BLOOOOOORP!*)

"Finally!!" Orson let out a loud gasp. He rubbed his aching midsection. "...I can breeeeathe..." sighed Orson.

Galen wasn't kidding when he mentioned Orson's "problem".

Orson Krennic, the man who frequently clashed with Tart-kin, the man who was always so refined and proper in his pure white suit...had a beer gut.

A very, very large, distended beer gut.

To conceal his "big" problem, he would wear that corset which made him feel alright for a while...until of course, he needed to breathe.

"Yeesh!" Said the Stormtrooper, gazing at the sphere of plush fat covered in angry red stretch marks before him. "Sir, you need to really cut back on the--the everything!"

He couldn't help but laugh and poke his commanding officer, watching his girth ripple.

"Don't LAUGH!!" Exclaimed Orson,

stomach shaking. "And don't prod me either. Just make sure you don't tell anyone about this or that no one sees me like this for the next five hours or you're FIRED!! THAT'S AN

ORDER!!"

"Yes sir." The Stormtrooper closed the door and left.

(*BLHBLHBLHBLmmRRRRGHHH...*)

Orson's stomach growled and sloshed. He looked out the door and called to the Stormtrooper;

"...AND BRING ME A BEER WHEN YA GET BACK!"


	6. Jedha

"One is the

loneliest number

that you'll ever

do.."

"Papa! Papa!" The little asparagus exclaims as her father had just come home after a long day tilling the fields.

"Hey sweetheart!" Galen chuckled and lifted up his daughter.

Llana quickly joined her daughter and husband.

"Two can be as

bad as one

It's the loneliest

number since the

number one.."

Jyn watched her mother fall to the ground and die in front of her. She

ran from all the activity, crying, but trying not to get caught by the Stormtroopers.

"No is the

saddest

experience you'll

ever know,

Yes, it's the

saddest

experience you'll

ever know..."

Five-year old Jyn smelled the air, then took out the pan.

"COOKIES ARE DONE!!" She called.

Her parents did not come. They were probably in the fields. Jyn took a plate outside to her parents.

"'Cause one is

the loneliest

number that you'll

ever do

One is the

loneliest number,

whoa-oh, worse

than two"

"C'mon, Jynny!" Llana coaxed.

Little Jyn, with some effort, hopped from the living room, outside the door. She then hopped back to

her parents, who applauded her for now knowing how to walk.

—————-

—————-

Jyn jolted awake.

She looked around.

She was still on the ship, and it was nearing the afternoon.

Jedha, Imperial Occupation

0500 hours

The trio had landed on a desert planet. It was clearly the afternoon, with the sun high into the atmosphere. In the distance, was Jedha, the Holy City of the Jedis.

"..you live in my

soul,

Hmm-hmm-hmm-

hmm-hmm,

There's love about

love

and it's ours

cause I love you

too much.."

Cassian hummed as he landed the ship. He, Jyn, and K left the ship once it landed, and Cassian pulled out various supplies. Jyn was given a large gun. She examined it--never had she held a weapon of such power before.

"You're giving HER a gun?!" Said K.

"Mm-hmm." Said Cassian.

"Well, why can't I have a gun?!"

"Believe me, K." Cassian handed him a box. "We have our reasons."

K walked back to the ship, when he stopped.

"Would you care to know the probability of her using it against you?" K snarked.

Cassian wasn't having any of his robot's attitude.

"Stay here, rust bucket." He said.

"And don't touch anything."

"It's high." The robot chuckled. "It's very high."

The radish and the asparagus hopped away. K dropped the box and walked into the ship.

————-

————-

The town was mostly buildings composed of rock and mortar, with tarps and woven rugs shielding the inhabitants from the hot sun.

Posters labeled "The Imperial Army is Watching...FIGHT BACK NOW!!"

covered the walls with toony depictions of a carrot Jedi punching Krennic in the face. Every now and then, someone would yell at Jyn or any other passers-by to purchase their articles.

"Hey tuts...wanna buy a droid?" Some guy selling meshed-together,

slightly fake droids sneakily whispered.

"WAR BONDS!!" A shop owner called out. "GET YOUR WAR BONDS HERE!! CAN'T WIN THE WAR WITHOUT EM'!"

"Stick with me..." said Cassian.

"Don't know who you can trust these days..."

Jyn and Cassian continued to walk the streets. In this area, there were a few street performers and fortune tellers.

"HEY!!" A voice called out. "YOU WITH THE NECKLACE!! If you want to know how I just did that..."

Jyn gazed between the people and found a small, blind mushroom sitting on a stool with others surrounding him.

"You could trade it to me for a glimpse into your future!"

Jyn didn't know whether to be shocked or weirded out by this. If he was blind, how the heck could this guy know about her?

"Who...are you, exactly?" Asked

Jyn.

"I," said the mushroom, "am Chirrut Îmwe. I may be blind, but I have seen the Lite Vinaigrette.."

"JYN!!" Cassian grabbed her and pulled her away. "Don't listen to that looney. He's one of Saw's boys--as soon as the war ended and they all came here the only thing they could do was con people."

Jyn looked back at Chirrut. He was surprisingly adorable for such a wise shroom.

"You can lead a horse to water...but you cannot make it drink..." he called to her.

Jyn smiled and waved at him. Cassian pulled her away again.

"We need to find JigSaw Gerrera."

Cassian looked ahead. "He'll know about your father."

Jyn still didn't know what to make of this. She and Cassian walked,

until both heard a voice say;

"Halt."

"Oh no." Said Cassian.

"What?" Asked Jyn.

Thousands of Stormtroopers noticed the two, and started to run after them.

"RUUUUNN!!" Yelled Cassian.

Jyn and Cassian ran, certainly much faster than the Stormtroopers. They jumped, dived, and avoided every blast the Troopers had to deal at them.

"This way!" Called Cassian.

Jyn and Cassian rounded a corner, but they clearly hadn't anywhere else to run. Stormtroopers surrounded them. One by one, all the white armored men cocked their guns.

Jyn and Cassian fearfully embraced.

It looked like the end of the line for our heroes...

Until Chirrut poked his head out from behind a wall.

"Ni Hao!" He piped. Chirrut stuck out his staff, and walked around.

"Nice day, eh?" The Stormtroopers

aimed their guns at Chirrut. Jyn and Cassian gasped.

"...nice day to kick some butt.." Chirrut mumbled.

"DON'T SHOOT HIM!" Exclaimed Jyn.

Chirrut simply raised his hands.

"Yeah." Said a Stormtrooper to the lead. "What use is he to us? He's BLIND YOU IDIOT!"

"I fear nothing..." said Chirrut. "ALL, IS AS THE LITE VINAIGRETTE

WILLS!!"

"Chirrut..." said Cassian, slightly terrified for the sake of the tiny

mushroom. "...what're you doin'?"

Chirrut stared at a Stormtrooper, creeping him out with his pure white eyes.

"KEEEEEEEEEEEE-YA!" He gave a kung fu chop to the Stormtrooper's upper body, breaking it. "HUUUUUAAAAAAIII-

YAIYAIYAIYAIYAAAAA!!"

"NECK! BACK! NECK! HEAD! SPACEBETWEENYOURLEGS!BACK!"

He called out as he kicked and punched said body parts. Chirrut pinned a Stormtrooper to the ground.

"SAYING WHAT IM' DOIIIIIING!!"

Chirrut continued to use his staff and fight the Stormtroopers. He grabbed one's head, then bashed it with the head of another trooper. He did a backflip and caught a Stormtrooper's metaphorical foot with his staff.

"Oh, I'm sorry..." he said. "Is your foot okay?"

Chirrut crunched the Stormtrooper's foot with his staff, the trooper yelled in pain. Upon taking on five Stormtroopers at once, he finished with a headlock on a trooper, then punched another behind his back. He bowed in traditional fashion, everyone applauded.

"The biggest things come in the smallest packages." Said Chirrut, proudly standing on the head of a dead Stormtrooper, non-existent arms on his hips.

Another trooper lunged at the shroom, only to be blocked by Chirrut's rock-hard fist.

"yOLOOOOOOOOOO!!" He shouted, delusional.


	7. Verdura

Mustafar

0600 hours

A ship docked next to a gargantuan, black monument which was colored this way because it was made with mostly obsidian.

This lava-surrounded dwelling was the home of Lord Verdura. Of course, he did not like the lava when it scarred his face and body severely, but after the incident he used the lava to convey the true Sith within him, full of anger and rage.

"M'Lord Verdura! M'Lord Verdura!!" A hooded, elderly artichoke ran down the halls. He stopped at a large glass container, and it seemed as though something was in it...something disgusting that is.

The artichoke banged on the container.

"DOES ANYONE KNOCK ANYMORE?!!?" Came a raspy voice

from within.

"M'Lor, Director Krennic has arrived and wishes to see you momentarily...a-heh-heh.."

The contents in the

glass container were sucked up into a tube, then re-emerged in another room. A familiar (*"inhale...exhal

e...inhale...exhale"*) was heard.

:

Krennic walked through the halls until he encountered the artichoke, who directed him to a large door.

The door opened up, spilling out smoke.

Orson Krennic shuddered slightly.

Amidst all the smoke wrapping around him, completely covered in black, wheezing with every step, came Lord Verdura.

"...Ahhh...Director Krennic..." he said. "So lovely to finally see you again..."

"L-L-Likewise, S-S-Sir!" Said Orson.

"Is the Weapon ready?" Verdura asked, circling him like an army drill sergeant.

"Yes, sir." Said Orson. "But the Republic seeks to destroy it...someone, someone is feeding them insane delusions of grandeur that they can overtake us, sir, they are forming a Rebellion!"

Verdura stared at him.

"Did y-did you even hear what I

had to say?"

"...Tart-Kin has told me that you've got a little secret, one that

COULD POSSIBLY BRING YOUR CAREER CRASHING DOWN!!" Verdura yelled at Orson's face. He inhaled, then exhaled.

"Would you mind sharing it with I, your BOSS?!"

"Oh n-no please!" Krennic was silenced.

Verdura stayed, locked onto Krennic's gaze. He thought about what he saw in Krennic's mind, then slowly, he did something no one would think a Sith Lord like he would do...

Verdura laughed.

He laughed a strange half-man half-machine laugh somewhat like an auto-tuned voice.

"My...HAHAHAAA...MY BEST MAN...MY BEST GUY ON THE JOB's got a...A MUFFIN TOP AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAHHH!!"

Verdura flung Orson into a wall with the Lite Vinaigrette.

"NO!!' A Director of such a high

standard organization should never have a ridiculous physique that characterizes him as..." Verdura

inhaled. "...soft. What do you think this will do to our public image as the Bad Guys, MAN?!!"

Verdura flung Orson into a wall with the Lite Vinaigrette again.

"Unless you lose that...that disgrace to the Empire," said Verdura, "You are fired permenantly."

"Y-yessir.." was all Orson could say.

Orson Krennic started to walk away, and when he sighed a sigh of relief it felt like he could not do so.

He tried to breathe, but the hot white fire of congested lungs overtook him and he turned purple.

Then he saw why this was happening.

Verdura was choking him.

He felt it in his throat, his lungs, especially in his stomach, his most concealed part. He dropped to the floor, like a fish, gasping for air. The Sith Lord chuckled, this was way too much for him to handle in one day.

"Be careful not to "choke" on your aspirations, 'Director Jelly-Belly'" Verdura laughed.


	8. War, huh, yeah, what is it good for?

"...ohhh myyyyy..." said Chirrut.

"Hey!" A Stormtrooper grabbed Cassian. "Put me down--who do ya think you are?!"

"Shooting first, questions later." Said the Stormtrooper.

"YO! BUCKET-HEADS!"

The Stormtroopers turned. Something very tall knocked both of them out. Jyn turned to see an Imperial droid. She raised her blaster and shot it.

Strangely, there was another droid that looked an awful lot like it.

"Did you know that wasn't me?" Said K2.

K was oblivious to the Stormtroopers behind him, yet he uncorked a grenade and threw it at them. An enormous explosion erupted behind him, K still unaware. As Jyn, the others, and Cassian thanked K, one by one someone put bags over their heads and carried them off. When that person had gotten to Chirrut, the mushroom was in disbelief.

"Really?!" He said. "I'm blind. I don't need a bag, thank you!"

————-

————-

The room was dank and smelt of Bantha fur and fecal matter. Music played from some unknown origin. From within large prison-cell-like cages were our heroes, wondering why they'd been bought here.

"I am one with the Lite Vinaigrette,"

said Chirrut. "The Lite Vinaigrette is with me, I am one with the Lite

Vinaigrette the Lite Vinaigrette is with me..." the wise little mushroom continued to repeat.

"Why do you like that petty religion so?" Asked his friend, a large gourd covered in machinery by the name of Blaze Malbus.

"Just because you cannot see something," Chirrut sighed. "Does not mean you can't feel."

Blaze sighed. He looked around, until he saw the sleeping form of Bodhi Rook lying down in the next cell over. The gourd smiled. He took a large piece of metal and started banging it on the prison bars.

(*BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!*)

"YO PILOT!!" He yelled.

Bodhi groggily awoke. He peered at Blaze and Chirrut.

"PI IS EXACTLY THREE!!" Yelled the carrot as he jumped up, frightening Blaze and Chirrut.

"Kill..him.." said a terrified Chirrut.

"No." said Blaze. "He's not

dangerous--just delusional."

Blaze was correct. Bodhi made some weird laughing noises, and continued to sing a song from some

50's-themed musical while drooling

everywhere on his body.


	9. broken Jigsaw

Jyn was released from her trap. She walked around the room, until a very rough voice said; "Jyn Erso? Is it really you?"

"JigSaw!" Jyn exclaimed.

The taro and the carrot embraced.

"Why did you leave me there?" Asked Jyn.

"You were perfectly fine on your own." Said JigSaw.

"All you did was give me a knife and a lantern in that cave--then the Stormtroopers came and bought me to that, that WRETCHED Labor Camp, even though I did NOTHING WRONG!!" Jyn snarled. "There I mined rock for fifteen years, cracking my bones day after day, going back to my cell covered in sweat, blood and dirt at the end of each day--all because you weren't watching out for me.."

"You foolish, selfish girl!" Exclaimed JigSaw. "Has prison life made you go mad?! Your father wouldn't want you to say such atrocities..."

"What do you mean, "my father"?! He's DEAD!!"

"No he isn't. He left you a hologram."

Jyn calmed down.

Was he secretly alive? She watched as JigSaw pressed some buttons on a hologram-projecting device.

Soon, a tall, blue hologram of Galen Erso appeared before the two.

"Jyn...I meant to tell you long ago, but since we are both in a time of crisis, I will tell you now: I have placed a flaw in the Weapon.

Within one of the holes, there is an extremely small tunnel leading straight to the main reactor. If someone were to fire a laser blast into it just right, the reactor will explode instantly. Unfortunately this plan will not come to fruition,

because I will be executed tonight

on the Imperial Base..."

The ground rumbled. The hologram shook as well.

"Goodbye, my Stardust." Said hologram-Galen. "I love you."

The hologram shut off. Jyn gasped, and looked at JigSaw.

"We have to go." Said Jyn.

"No." said JigSaw. "You must go. I will stay here."

Reluctantly, Jyn obeyed.

———-

———-

The room began to break apart. Pieces of rock would fall every now and then, but Blaze and Chirrut knew it was time to go.

"COME ON, LITTLE BUDDY!!" Blaze grabbed Chirrut and placed him on his large back. He broke the security system holding Bodhi captive. "LETS GO, PILOT!!"

"Why should we save him?" Asked Chirrut. "He's with them, you know!"

"Look, whatever you're thinking about me, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!" Exclaimed Bodhi. "Sure, I worked for the Empire, but not anymore! As of now, and forever, I have ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, WITHOUT A DOUBT, ZERO, ZIP, ZILCH, NADA RELATIONS TO MISTER TALL, DARK, AND WHEEZY!!!"

A very awkward pause passed as Bodhi stopped, eyes widened.

"...Wow." Said Chirrut.

"Alrighty." Said Blaze. "Come with us!"

Blaze grabbed Bodhi and placed him next to Chirrut.

They managed to get back to the ship. Jyn and Cassian were still running when they heard JigSaw cry out;

"SaVE ThE ReBELLiON!!"

"SAVE THE DREEEEAM!!"

Jyn stopped in her tracks. She stood, in awe of the dust rising. Cassian grabbed her. The ship made it safely off the planet, but Jedha (and JigSaw) had exploded to dust.

———————-

———————-

Meanwhile, on another desert planet, the same blast could be seen. A blond-haired cucumber was building a sand castle when he looked up and saw the blast. His eyes widened.

"HOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOO-LY SMOKES!!"

...

...

...

...

"...I left the stove on!"


	10. Crash-Landing!

"Brilliant, sir!" Said an officer. "How did you know it was Jedha where they were hiding?"

"Well, du-uh!" Said Orson. "If some place has J-E-D in its name like how the word 'Jedi' is spelled and sounds phonetically similar, it OBVIOUSLY has to do with the

enemy!"

The others congratulated Orson on his brilliance. As they applauded, a Stormtrooper approached him.

"Sir!" Said the Stormtrooper.

Orson turned. "I'm TK-2016. I'm here to outfit you for the execution of Galen Erso this evening."

"Brilliant." Orson clapped two non-existent hands together. "Let's get started, shall we?"

"Great." Said the Stormtrooper as he and Orson walked down the hall.

"See, I was thinkin' of a Wookiee-fur trim on your cape--make you look more manly, y'know, more regal.."

———-

———-

It was raining on the base planet.

Darkness shrouded the entire circumference, sans a bit of light in the distance.

An Imperial ship glided across the atmosphere, but unbeknownst to the Stormtroopers surveying the

landscape, within the ship were Chirrut, Blaze, Bodhi, K-2S0, Cassian, and Jyn.

"Once we land," said Cassian, "We must find him, and kill him."

Blaze and Chirrut nodded. Jyn raised an eyebrow.

"Kill whom?" She asked. "Orson?"

"Uh..." Cassian sweated. "Uh, y-yeah, O-Orson.."

"Good." Said Jyn.

"Pilot!!" Said Cassian. "Are we there yet?!"

"Stop calling me that." Said Bodhi. "My name is Bodhi."

"Well, Bodhi." Said Cassian. "Are we

there?"

"We should be in a few minutes." Bodhi gazed back at the sky. "...besides, I have to pee."

"I cannot believe I am doing this." Said Jyn.

"So you'd prefer to stay on that Labor Camp?" Asked Blaze.

"No.." said Jyn.

"What is friendship?" Said Chirrut. "What is a friend? Having friends can be dangerous. How does one know they are not waiting behind his back with a knife at ones throat?"

"Thats another thing--Chirrut, why do you always say something...so er, Confucius-like every now and then?" Asked Jyn.

Chirrut looked up at her. His milky eyes gave her a skeptical look.

"I'm a wise blind sage--we're

supposed to do that."

Jyn sat back down.

Suddenly, a light came on, and Bodhi examined the controls,

frightened.

"Oh no.." he said.

"Don't tell me." Said K. "We're

crash-landing, aren't we."

"Yep."

"I knew it."

"WE'RE GONNA DIIIIEEEE!!" Bodhi screamed.

This ship started to descend onto the surface of the planet much like a downward bound rollercoaster. Everyone held tight to the seating or whatever they could and braced themselves during the fall and the

sound of metal "sk-REEEEE-ch"-ing against the ground.

"AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

Everyone screamed as the ship zoomed.

"...ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..." Chirrut rolled a set of baoding balls in his "hand".

The ship came to a perfect stop somewhere in front of the Imperial Base. Within, Blaze held Chirrut tightly, K stopped functioning, Bodhi was on the ceiling, Jyn's hair was wildly out of place, and Cassian had fainted.

"Well," said Bodhi. "That solves my bathroom problem..."


	11. The Execution

After everyone was okay from the fall, (and after Bodhi put on new pants), Cassian headed out to the Base while the others stayed inside the ship.

Jyn waited, until she thought that they might have captured Cassian. She recalled Mon Mothma's words

but since no one was going out into the rain anytime soon, someone had to go. Soon, everyone noticed that Jyn was gone.

One by one, everyone went outside to find her.

Blaze and Chirrut were to the left of the base, Cassian on the right, and Jyn in the middle.

"Keep your "eyes" peeled.." said Blaze.

"Right..." Said Chirrut.

Meanwhile, Bodhi and K watched as well from another corner. The carrot was peering through a set of

binoculars while the droid was making a card house.

"Aha..." Bodhi could clearly see Orson and Galen with a few others. "Target sighted..."

Bodhi placed his binoculars down, knocking K's card house over.

"..aw man!"

"...now the question remains—how're we gonna get in..." said Bodhi.

"Oh! I know! How bout we give em' a nice gift basket!" Said K, sarcastically.

"A-hahaa.." Bodhi laughed sarcastically as well. "If you're so smart, why don't YOU distract them?"

"Okay then!" K stood up and walked away. "You the man!..as you humans say.."

-———-

———--

"Greetings, all." Said Orson Krennic

as he sauntered out in front of his men. "I have gathered you ten here today, because some LOW-LIFE, SCUM-SUCKING CRETIN has betrayed me."

From behind his custom-sewn Wookiee-fur cape, he pulled out a powerful type of blaster.

"...would that cretin please step

foreword?" Cassian watched as Galen Erso stepped foreword.

Slowly, eyes squinting, he aimed the target directly at the asparagus. He motioned his non-existent fingers on the trigger and waited.

Unbeknownst to him, everyone else was waiting as well.

Seconds, minutes, and then a full hour went by in this deadly pause. The shot had to be perfect, without anyone interfering...

...

...

...

K emerged, wearing a top hat and carrying a cane. He jumped in front of Orson, causing him to miss his shot at Galen and instead hit another man.

"HEEELLLO MY

BABY,

HELLO MY

HONEY,

HELLO MY

RAGTIME

GAALLL!!!!"

K tap-danced, Broadway style.

"Good GRAVY!!" Exclaimed Orson.

"That droid's gone mad! GET HIM!!"

Orson's Stormtroopers ran after K, giving Jyn enough time to visit her father.

During the mayhem, Cassian, Blaze and Bodhi were shooting all the men except for Galen. When Jyn reached her father, he was incredibly shocked to be reunited with his daughter.

"Jyn!" Exclaimed Galen. "Jyn Jyn Jyn Jyn Jynny-Jynny-Jyn-Jyn! It's been so long!"

"Papa!" Jyn and her father embraced.

"Jyn," said her father, looking at her in the eye. "Jyn, you must leave."

"No!" Said Jyn. "Not without you, papa! I saw the hologram! I know exactly what I have to do!"

"Jyn, listen to me, Stardust." Said Galen. "Go now. Leave me be. They're gonna kill me soon! Go with your friends, tell them about the flaw I placed!"

Jyn started to tear up. She embraced her father, then he dropped to the cold, wet ground, completely limp.

"I love you..." was all he managed to say with his last breath.

A clearly visible shot from a blaster was in his stomach. The asparagus looked back to see Cassian Andor leaving his spot on the mountain. She growled.

:

Cassian entered the ship, smiling.

His smile faded when he saw Jyn.

She was soaking wet and wrapped in a towel. She was clearly very angry, and she carried a shaking coffee cup.

"YOU..." she started. "YOU HEATHEN!!"

Jyn tackled Cassian to the floor, kicking and punching him.

"YOU KILLED MY FATHER HOW DARE YOU YOU PINHEAD I OUGHTA--"

"Wait, wait, hold up!" Said Cassian. He pulled Jyn away. "I DID NOT kill him! The--the blast, that was from a Stormtrooper, n-not from my gun!"

"Oh, I see." Said Jyn, raising an eyebrow. "THE ONLY "STORMTROOPER" THAT SHOT HIM WAS YOU!!"

Jyn started to walk away. Cassian was taken aback. He stopped her in his tracks, and voice breaking, said,

"Woman...I...have been in this fight, since I was six years old. Never, have I been so insulted in my life by someone like you." He scoffed. "Goodness knows if you're with them or not, Dark-Side wench spawn of a nerf."

"I AM NOT WITH THEM!!" Exclaimed Jyn.

"¡BUENO, ¿CON QUIÉN ESTAS?!"

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!" Jyn yelled back.


	12. Jyn’s speech

Back at the Republic base, everyone was going about their day. Some people were cleaning ships, repairing droids, and keeping a watchful eye out for any Imperials.

"--ATTENTION ALL UNITS.--" said a voice on the intercom. "--THERE WILL BE A MEETING IN FIVE MINUTES. EVERYONE MUST BE PRESENT IN THE MEETING HALL. THAT IS ALL. THANK YOU--."

All the Rebels shrugged, then stopped their current business and started walking.

Meanwhile, Mon Mothma and Senator Bail Organa were conceding about the state of the Weapon plans.

"If they do get the plans," said Bail. "I know exactly who can hold onto them."

"Whom?" Asked Mothma.

"She's never let me down.." Bail smiled as he held a photo of a cute little blueberry girl with a unique hairstyle.

Everyone was led into the meeting hall; a long room with an equally long table and thousands of chairs for everyone.

On the table there were three trays of miscellaneous cookies, cupcakes, donuts, other pastries (much to the delight of Mon Mothma, she'd skipped breakfast).

Once everyone was seated, the meeting began.

"All right, everyone!" Jyn emerged wearing an army uniform. "I have a brilliant plan that I'm positive will succeed, but we all must work together.."

"...let's get this over with.." grumbled Mon Mothma as she lazily reached for a pastry to dip in her cup of coffee.

Jyn raised an eyebrow, then continued.

"...We must send a team to find wherever they are keeping the plans for the Weapon, and steal them through some means. If we can obtain these plans, we must transmit them to the Republic, there they can find out about the flaw my dad placed in the Weapon an--"

"No, no, and n-o." Mon Mothma spoke in between bites of a vanilla cupcake. "Sorry Jyn, that's just super impossible for us to do." Mothma lazed back.

The Repiblic officials commented, and slightly judged Jyn.

Jyn gritted her teeth.

She regained her composure and her stiff upper lip.

(Cue "Rule Britannia")

"What is Hope? Rebellions are Hope, Rebellions, heck, are BUILT on Hope. In a world where a man in a cyborg suit has us captivated betwixt his literal iron fist, we MUST stand firm against the tyranny of the Man!"

Someone lowered a Union Jack flag

behind Jyn, then placed a spotlight on her.

"We may be different, introverted, single groups of people, but when we get together we can bring the strongest thing to its knees--we could bring the EMPIRE to its knees if we all came together to obtain those plans. Who cares if this plan won't work?! If we die, we will die as a union. We will die for the glory that shall be rightfully bestowed to us. And we will die not for the Republic, but for the People of the Galaxy!!!"

(record scratch)

"Yeeeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh..." Mon Mothma smiled. "--no. Jyn, I'm terribly sorry, but we can't do it right now. Just can't, with the financial state we're in and all..."

Mon Mothma left her post, along

with everyone else. She looked back at Jyn.

"Great speech by the way!" She piped.

Everyone remaining left the meeting area. Jyn started to cry. It would take one heck of a miracle to save the Galaxy, now.


	13. Verdura

Back at the Republic base, everyone was going about their day. Some people were cleaning ships, repairing droids, and keeping a watchful eye out for any Imperials.

"--ATTENTION ALL UNITS.--" said a voice on the intercom. "--THERE WILL BE A MEETING IN FIVE MINUTES. EVERYONE MUST BE PRESENT IN THE MEETING HALL. THAT IS ALL. THANK YOU--."

All the Rebels shrugged, then stopped their current business and started walking.

Meanwhile, Mon Mothma and Senator Bail Organa were conceding about the state of the Weapon plans.

"If they do get the plans," said Bail. "I know exactly who can hold onto them."

"Whom?" Asked Mothma.

"She's never let me down.." Bail smiled as he held a photo of a cute little blueberry girl with a unique hairstyle.

Everyone was led into the meeting hall; a long room with an equally long table and thousands of chairs for everyone.

On the table there were three trays of miscellaneous cookies, cupcakes, donuts, other pastries (much to the delight of Mon Mothma, she'd skipped breakfast).

Once everyone was seated, the meeting began.

"All right, everyone!" Jyn emerged wearing an army uniform. "I have a brilliant plan that I'm positive will succeed, but we all must work together.."

"...let's get this over with.." grumbled Mon Mothma as she lazily reached for a pastry to dip in her cup of coffee.

Jyn raised an eyebrow, then continued.

"...We must send a team to find wherever they are keeping the plans for the Weapon, and steal them through some means. If we can obtain these plans, we must transmit them to the Republic, there they can find out about the flaw my dad placed in the Weapon an--"

"No, no, and n-o." Mon Mothma spoke in between bites of a vanilla cupcake. "Sorry Jyn, that's just super impossible for us to do." Mothma lazed back.

The Repiblic officials commented, and slightly judged Jyn.

Jyn gritted her teeth.

She regained her composure and her stiff upper lip.

(Cue "Rule Britannia")

"What is Hope? Rebellions are Hope, Rebellions, heck, are BUILT on Hope. In a world where a man in a cyborg suit has us captivated betwixt his literal iron fist, we MUST stand firm against the tyranny of the Man!"

Someone lowered a Union Jack flag

behind Jyn, then placed a spotlight on her.

"We may be different, introverted, single groups of people, but when we get together we can bring the strongest thing to its knees--we could bring the EMPIRE to its knees if we all came together to obtain those plans. Who cares if this plan won't work?! If we die, we will die as a union. We will die for the glory that shall be rightfully bestowed to us. And we will die not for the Republic, but for the People of the Galaxy!!!"

(record scratch)

"Yeeeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh..." Mon Mothma smiled. "--no. Jyn, I'm terribly sorry, but we can't do it right now. Just can't, with the financial state we're in and all..."

Mon Mothma left her post, along

with everyone else. She looked back at Jyn.

"Great speech by the way!" She piped.

Everyone remaining left the meeting area. Jyn started to cry. It would take one heck of a miracle to save the Galaxy, now.


	14. The name of this movie

Jyn played with a yoyo she'd found, not doing any tricks, just flinging it to and fro.

"Jyn!" Came a voice.

It was Cassian. The asparagus groaned in annoyance.

"What do you want.." Said Jyn, sternly.

"Well, we're gonna be taking on an Empire, so..."

Jyn's jaw dropped.

Standing around Cassian, were Chirrut, Blaze, Bodhi, and some other members of the Republic.

"I thought you might need some

recruits." Cassian smiled.

Jyn started to cry happy tears. She hugged Cassian.

"Thank you so much." She said.

"Count me in, too!" Said Bodhi.

Everyone looked at K2. They gave encouraging smiles. Finally the robot spoke up.

"Meh." He said. "Im in...but there is a 59.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999..."

K continued to say 9, until he

malfunctioned. Then, he regained power.

"...percent chance this will end in failiure."

——————-

"Helllllooooo!" Said Bodhi Rook into the speaker. "This is...uhh...Rogue...One, we will be requesting flight access momentarily. Over."

Bodhi hung up the speaker. He turned to the crew of Rebels.

"Now. The ship in particular that I have stolen for our little 'frolic'..." said Bodhi, smiling. "Is one of many luxury starship brands by lux, the Empire's finest, top-of-the

line vehicles!"

Everyone oohed and awed at the sight of the silver/white colored ship.

"Just like in the commercials..." Cassian said.

—————

\--"Are you a Sith

Lord? Do you

wanna show the

Rebels who's boss

without using that

old piece of junk

you call a ship?"--

\--"With our

exclusive Empire

brand of chrome-

finished, high-

tech, luxury

starships, you can

blow off steam

while you blow up

the world!"--

\--"...lux brand

starships."--

\--"Because it

feels so good to

be bad."--

PRICES START AT

1,0000K PER

MONTH NO TAX

OR EVASIONS

—————

Bodhi opened the ship's door.

Within the ship, was an array of

high-tech items such as snack dispensers, the best in line A/C's and heating, beverage dispensers, surround sound radios, TVs, auto-pilots, and seat-warmer buttons. In the back was an elegant set of car seats that also doubled as water beds (filled with live goldfish!), and two other seats to the left and right sides.

"Sweet..." said Blaze as he lounged back on the seating with Chirrut.

"We never had this on the farm..." Jyn gazed at the neon lights on the ceiling.

Bodhi pressed a button on the dashboard. A compartment opened up, revealing multiple glasses of wine.

"Anyone for some bubbly?" He called to everyone else in a snooty voice.

Everyone took a glass and gave a cheers. They'd need it in this battle.

K2 started the ignition on the ship. He and Bodhi looked back at Jyn and the others, wearing sunglasses. A hip-hop beat played on the radio.

"Get rolled with the fever on the dance floor!" Said K2.

"Now who got a

fever for the flavor

Who can dig the

way that I flex on a

track can cause a

rampage

We can work on

point with the nop

on style though my

lip there'd be room

in the mad joints.." K rapped.

"Ev'ry Bodhi ova

here,

Ev'ry Bodhi ova

there,

It ya boi Bodhi

Rook put yo hands

in tha air!"

Bodhi rapped as well.

"Ah, Ah, Ah,

Ah,

Stayin' Alive,

Stayin' Alive,

A-Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah

Stayin' Alive,

Stayin' Alive,..."


	15. Vacation Planet

The starship landed on a large,

mostly water-covered planet surrounded by amazing beaches. Seagulls chirped and flew overhead.

This was Scarif.

Everyone "oohed" and "ahhed" at the scenery, but Bodhi gasped.

"Oh no..." said Bodhi. He gave a long sigh.

"What?" Asked Chirrut. "What is it?"

Blaze could clearly see what was happening along with Bodhi.

"Tourists, little buddy." Said Blaze. "They're all tourists out celebrating some Wookiee holiday, Life Day, I think it was."

Bodhi struggled to find a parking spot.

"The members of Imperial army are on their lunch breaks. We have to find a way to clear all these blokes off the beach before it's over."

Bodhi went back to piloting the ship, then he finally found somewhere to park. He stayed in the ship while some Rebels left the ship and hid in the palm trees.

Others walked onto the beach, occasionally bumping into the tourists.

("Holiday" by Madonna plays)

"Oof!"

"Sorry ma'am!"

"Watch it!"

Amidst all the tourists on Scarif, a tomato and Wookiee gourd lounged on two beach towels, holding coconut drinks. The tomato caught sight of them whilst sipping his drink, and removed his cat-eye sunglasses. He laughed at the sight of the Rebels hopping across the beach in their out-of-place clothing.

"Say, Chewie, ol' pal.." said the tomato. "What d'ya make of that? Buncha chumps, eh?"

The Wookiee gourd agreed. These two, along with the other tourists continued to watch the Rebels. Blaze was pushed forward by Chirrut.

He gulped, then cleared his throat.

"ATTENTION TOURISTS!!" Yelled Blaze. "GET OUT OF THE WATER, CAUSE IN A FEW SECONDS A HUUUUUGE, AND I MEAN HUUUGE ARMY OF STORMTROOPERS IS GONNA COME STAMPEDING THROUGH HERE!!"

Everyone stared at Blaze.

The tomato and the Wookiee gourd rolled their eyes.

"DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU!!" Blaze yelled again.

The tourists went about their business.

Suddenly, from all corners of the planet, Star Destroyers docked on the ocean.

They opened, and millions of Stormtroopers spilled out and marched forward. Screams came from all parts of the beach, tourists ran from their spots, scrambling to their starships despite their wet swimwear.

"Well, I'LL BE DARNED!!" Exclaimed the tomato. "GRAB THE STUFF--WE'RE GOING TO HOTH!!"


	16. Beach party of DEATH!

"Brace yourselves..." said Bodhi. "More'll be here in 3..."

The sound of guns cocking in unison was all that was heard. K2, Jyn and Cassian were about to enter the citadel from the other end, awaiting the signal.

"...2..."

The door that Blaze, Chirrut, and the others were waiting behind

whirred, about to open.

"...1."

"So I said, "Wha'ddya mean a

seaside villa on Mustafar is a horrible investment?!""

PEW-PEW-PEW-PEW!!*

The Stormtroopers looked at the Rebels. Their eyes widened behind their masks.

The battle had begun.

"¡SÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ SEEEEEE PUEEEDEEEE!!"

Exclaimed Cassian.

A laser fired at

Bodhi.

"Yipe!" He moved back. Bodhi ran into the ship and closed the door.

"Guess I'll stay here...and..." He opened one fridge in the upper level, then gasped.

The fridge was chock-full of any wine imaginable. Reds, Whites, sparkling champagne and bubbly lined every corner. On the right side of the fridge, there was a sushi

bar with an armada of raw fish rolls.

Bodhi moaned--this was too good to be true.

"...And watch this wine...and sushi..."

"Girl, you really

got me goin'

You got me so I

don't know what

I'm doin'.."

From another end, Jyn, K, and Cassian entered wearing disguises. Cassian was wearing an Imperial Officer's uniform, while Jyn wore a female Stormtrooper's outfit. K, being since he was formerly an Imperial droid, had no need to cloak his appearance.

However, despite these disguises, a Stormtrooper knew who they were.

There was no mistaking that unbearably handsome, perfectly chiseled Latin face of Captain Cassian Andor.

"Come in, Krennic.." said the Stormtrooper on his comlink in a monotone.

"YES--WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

Orson yelled back.

"They're here."

"Who's here?!" Krennic responded.

"Them." Said the Stormtrooper. "They're looking at me."

Orson twitched his eye. He placed down his comlink. Then, it clicked in his brain.

"ALL METAPHORICAL HANDS ON DECK!!" Yelled Orson. "SOUND THE ALAAARM!!"

"...sir?" Asked a celery Imperial Officer.

"What?!" Orson turned around.

"We-we don't have an alarm..." the celery trembled.

——————

"WOOOOP!!"

"WOOOOP!!"

"WOOOOP!!"

"WOOOOP!!"

The "alarm" that was now installed was a rather fat gourd screaming in a mic. Every now and then, the celery would stick a needle on his posterior.

On all the security

cameras, Jyn and

the others could be

clearly seen

beating up

Stormtroopers.

"Yeah, you

really got me now

You got me so I

can't sleep at

night!"

Unlike the raging war outside, the inside of the ship was nice and soundproof. Bodhi had the seat warmer and A/C on the highest level, and a glass of wine in his hand. Smooth jazz played from the radio.

However, his relaxation time would be cut short, because Blaze would yell at him from his walkie-talkie every now and then.

"Okay, okay...I got this.." Bodhi placed his wine glass down. "Do you see the red button on the control panel?" Asked Bodhi.

"Yes!" Called Blaze.

"If someone presses that button," said Bodhi, "The next few gates will open up for Jyn and Cassian."

Chirrut knew what he had to do. He walked, calmly from his post to the button, all the while beating up Stormtroopers and Beachtroopers and mumbling;

"I am One with the Lite Vinaigrette, the Lite Vinaigrette is with me, I am One with the Lite Vinaigrette, the Lite Vinaigrette is with me, I am One with the Lite Vinaigrette, the Lite Vinaigrette is with me..." Chirrut repeated as he walked and fought.

Unfortunately, as soon as he pressed the button, he fell to the ground.

"CHIRRUT!!" Blaze ran to the aid of his smaller pal.

The tiny mushroom panted. He could not see the blaster wound in his stomach, yet the pain clearly hurt.

"Chirrut, baby, talk to me! Say something!" Blaze gently held him to his chest. "Don't die, I can't live

without you!"

The mushroom smiled. He stood up a little and snuggled Blaze.

"Ah, but Blaze, my dear friend.." Chirrut coughed.

"Death is but a window to freedom, to the afterlife, to the Lite!Vinaigrette. Confucius did not fear the End, nor did the great Emperors or Buddha. As such, I

do not fear as well."

Blaze shed a few tears. It was not fair that the smaller, blind friend

would die first.

Chirrut dragged him closer.

"My Friend..." he said. "My Brother...come closer...look where the Lite

Vinaigrette is..."

"...and you will find me." Chirrut perished.

Blaze looked around, and he saw the mushroom's blood creating a black line forming into a circle. It formed into a beautiful symbol--

both sides distinctly different, but still the same.

The machinery-covered gourd breathed, then exhaled. He knew what he had to do.

"I am One, with the Lite Vinaigrette..." he said as Chirrut would always say. "And the Lite

Vinaigrette is with Me."

"Yeah, you

really got me now

You got me so I

don't know what

I'm doin', now

Oh yeah, you

really got me now

You got me so I

can't sleep at

night.."

Meanwhile, high above the atmosphere, the Rebellion pilots arrived for aid to the ground troops.

The Empire had activated a shield around the planet, which would disintegrate anything that tried to get through.

"I haven't seen this much action since the Battle of Kashyyk!" Exclaimed a Mon Calamari general.

"I'm lovin' it!"

"You and me both, Chief!" Said another. They "fist-bumped".

Meanwhile, the Rebellion pilots were also having a great time blasting Imperial TIE fighters. They saw that the shield was about to close, so they had to act fast.

"SpceJm2, you are go for launch, over!" Said one pilot to a female pilot.

"This is SpceJm2!" Said the pilot. "I'm goin' in the shield, and I'm takin' the others, over!"

The pilot smirked. She gathered a few more pilots, and they all zoomed into the shield just before it closed with a "LEE-ROOOOOOOYYYY, JENKIIIIIIIINS!!!"

"You Really Got

Me

You Really Got Me

You Really Got

Me!"

"Alright ladies..." said a pilot to his comrades. "Let's pop this sucker open!"

"YEAH!!!" Said another pilot.


	17. Tart-kin finds out

"So," said Jyn once they were inside. "Do you have any family?"

"No." said Cassian. "Either they're still alive or they died during the Clone Wars. I don't remember now."

"Well, if you don't have a family..." Jyn grinned immensely. "Do you...have feelings for anyone?"

"I don't talk about feelings." Cassian dismissed her.

The radish's thoughts were interrupted by Jyn. He took in her lovely face and short prawns, not to mention those lovely eyes. Her little freckles on the side of her face were quite adorable, and there was so many of them they were like skin stars.

"Unless..." Cassian sighed. "Unless I met the right woman...and she was lookin' at me, vice-versa, and she--she smiles and asks if I want to be with her forever.."

"Ooh!" K smirked. "Cassian and Jyn, together forever--" K made his robotic fingers into a heart shape, then pushed the two together. "REOWREOW! The Galaxy's hottest power couple!"

"Shut up, K." Said Cassian. "Why don't you go...er...keep watch or something."

"Yes, "Sahib"." Said K mockingly. "Why is it that us robots are sent to do a man's job?"

K walked over to a control panel as Cassian walked in. Jyn pulled a gun

out of her utility belt and handed it

to K.

"Here, K." She said. "You said you wanted one."

The droid reached out and took the gun from Jyn. He appeared to be smiling.

"Thank you, Jyn Erso." Said K.

Jyn looked at him, longingly, he looked at her. Slowly, K and Jyn reached out their non-existent hands, until they touched.

"Be good." Said K.

Jyn smiled, and started to tear up a little. She went with Cassian into the door, K closed it behind them. For a moment, it was silent, until the two could hear a muffled, familiar voice yell out;

"The love boat's about to set sail!!"

——————

Clementine Tart-kin walked out of the men's bathroom stall. He turned on the sink, and began to lather his (would be) hands. He ran wetted, non-existent fingers through his silvery hair and began to comb while humming a tune.

"...da da da,

Da-da-da-da-da-

da,

Da-da-da-da-da-

d--"

Tart-kin paused his humming. His eyes widened then went back to normal as he saw Orson Krennic in the mirror. The orange turned as Orson looked at him, somewhat enraged.

"I hear you told Verdura." Said Orson.

"Why yes..." said Tart-Kin. He placed his comb down. "Yes I did, chubby."

"CHUBBY?!!" Exclaimed Orson. "Look at me, man--I am about as slender as a racehorse!"

"I'd say about as 'slender'," Tart-kin paused, "...as an overly fattened-up holiday goose."

"I am not fat, mind you..." Orson glared at Tart-kin. "Just big-boned."

"...big-boned, eh? Then what, pray tell," Tart-kin quickly pulled off his corset and shirt, groping Orson's blubber. "Is THIS?!!?"

"Um..." Red blossomed all throughout Orson's face. "...winter weight?"

Tart-kin laughed until he couldn't breathe, then got back up. He slowly rubbed circles in Orson's stomach with non-existent hands.

"Someday I swear, me bucko..." said Tart-kin. "I am going to rip that

girdle off your body in public and show the entire army what an obese, slovenly, pregnant Hutt of a man you've become." He circled Krennic, chuckling.

"And when they see you, they'll think, "Since WHEN did he let himself go that much?", "He used to be so intimidating, now he's just plump and soft..." They'll enforce Lord Verdura who--yes I did tell him--will strip you of your rank for disobeying section code 666--exceeding the Officer weight limit, and I'll be Verdura's right-hand man instead of you." Tart-kin ruffled Orson's hair.

"You wouldn't dare, Clementine!" Orson growled and pushed him away.

"I do believe I would. And to think, this was all because you couldn't contain yourself when it came to

alcoholism..."

Orson held his stomach, all covered in dark stretch marks, soft and semi-malleable. To his sides, he now had medium-ish love handles.

He felt like he was going to cry a little.

Fate was indeed a cruel mistress, for Tart-kin was correct: if Orson

were to continue hitting the Bottle--every sorrow-drowning session, drinking game, or just-because--the very thing that bought him joy

would bring him crashing down.

"...The people want a warlord, Krennic." Tart-kin said as he walked away. "Not someone who can't see his own toes."

Tart-kin walked away, leaving Orson red-faced and humiliated.

Orson sighed, and started to re-attach his corset. It took a while, for he really had to suck it in to the point where he could feel his ribs, but he finally managed to stuff his chunk back in. Already as he hopped back, he could feel the corset digging into his sides, his paunch dying to pop out.

"I should have gotten a larger size..."

Orson cursed the day he gained sixty pounds to his formerly slender

frame of 188. But this was clearly no time to bemoan his begrudgingly

believable BMI--

...he had Rebels to kill.


	18. Everybody dies (almost)

"You Really Got

Me

You Really Got Me

You Really Got

Me.."

The battle went on.

Rebels died, so did Imperials. Jyn and Cassian were still trying to get those plans. Meanwhile, Bodhi Rook was assisting Cassian in any way possible...while becoming quite drunk.

(Cue "2001: A Space Odessey" Theme)

Bodhi's wine glass started to rumble. He looked outside, then picked up his comlink and said to

Blaze;

"Uh...am I the only one hearing this?"

Blaze gulped. More booming footsteps could be heard. Bodhi emerged from the ship carrying a wine glass, casually sipping from it.

Palm trees fell in front of the two,

revealing a titanic crew of AT-ATs!

clash!*

Bodhi's wine glass shattered to the ground, the remaining Pinot noir 1901 spilling from the broken

shards.

"Dangit!" Said Bodhi.

"My Destiny is at hand..." Blaze sighed. He walked closer to the giant foot. "I will be with Chirrut..."

Blaze embraced the huge, titanium-metal foot. He kissed it, prompting a weird reaction from Bodhi.

"I do not fear anything..." he said. "Not even you, my giant, metal fri--"

Blaze Malbus was squished under the giant foot of the AT-AT.

All that remained of him, were hunks of machinery and juice.

"See, don't ever

set me free,

I always wanna be

by your side

Girl, you really got

me now

You got me now,

you got me so I

can't sleep at

night!"

"Oh Maker..." Bodhi gasped. He hid inside the ship and panted, worried.

"Blaze is dead--Cassian and Jyn--

they'll be dead as well..."

Suddenly, a bomb rolled into the ship, interrupting Marvin Gaye's "Let's get it On". Bodhi threw the wine out the starship, but it was no use. With all the alcohol in Bodhi, he would certainly go out like a firecracker.

"Holy--"

KABBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!*

The starship exploded to pieces, along with Bodhi. Cassian and Jyn were the last hope for the Rebellion now.

God help them.

\--

Meanwhile, Tart-kin saw the entire blast with a pair of binoculars. The remaining hunk of the spaceship flew into the air and crunched an AT-AT.

A goldfish from the water bed seating landed with a splat on the window. Tart-kin pulled it off, and dropped it into a water cup.

"Well..." said Tart-kin, staring at his

new 'pal'. "That's gonna be expensive.."


	19. Escape from the Citadel

"Okay..." Jyn examined the huge tower filled with Imperial files.

"...records of Stormtroopers, no...records of numbers of officers...nope..."

"...Newest hits of Ariana Grande?"

Cassian noticed another one.

"Wait.." Jyn noticed the 'S' file. "Project...Stardust?"

"What does it mean?" Asked Cassian.

"That's the nickname my father would call me. He must've named it for me!"

Jyn quickly grabbed the controls and started to grab it, when the controls broke down. She grabbed a randomly placed brick and threw it at the glass window, creating a hole wide enough for Cassian and she to get through.

As the two climbed the citadel, Cassian got a call from K.

"Yello!" He said. "What's happening, K?"

"I have some unfortunate news." Said K.

"The Stormtroopers somehow found where we are located--"

Gunshots were heard. Cassian's face turned to worry.

"And they are trying to kill me now." K said, solemnly. "I must go--it's the only way."

"Don't die!" Exclaimed Cassian.

"K, I know I told you to shut up, but you're my friend! You're special, K!"

K-S20 had never made such a tricky decision before. It was either die nobly after all the damage he'd taken or hold the door and save Jyn and Cassian.

"K!!" Yelled Cassian.

"Good...bye.." was all K managed to say before he was shot by a Stormtrooper.

"K2!!" Exclaimed Cassian. "NO!"

At that moment, everything was silent. Cassian and Jyn froze when they heard the footsteps of oncoming Stormtroopers.

"Dear Lucas...THEY'RE COMING!!!" Jyn yelled.

"CLIIIMB, WOMAN!!" Yelled Cassian.

"ArrrRRRAAGGHHHHHHH!! CASSIAN YOOOUUU SMUG SON OF AN UGNAUGHT!!!" Exclaimed Orson.

Orson was too late.

Jyn and Cassian had made it through.

"If you want something done right, you've gotta do it yourself." Orson untied his cape and tied his gun to one end.

A few more Stormtroopers showed up. They started giggling when they realized what their boss was going to do.

"Oh man!" Said one Stormtrooper. "He's gonna do it!"

Orson lassoed the cape and gun

around the citadel and jumped off.

"OOF!" He painfully slammed against the metal. Once he got up, he started to climb the enormous tower out the opening where Jyn and Cassian came out.

\--

Five minutes later..

\--

"HNGGGggHHG!!" Orson heaved himself up the citadel.

Despite how fast he thought he was going, Orson Krennic was barely making the halfway mark of the citadel. Sweat stained his white uniform, and his face was very red.

"...gonna...pass out! HELP ME UP!!"

"Coming, sir!" Called a Stormtrooper.

All the Stormtroopers stood on top of each other. Then, they pushed themselves foreword.

"TROOPER LADDER!!" They yelled.

Slowly, the Stormtroopers started to heave their heavy boss up the tower.


	20. (Now) everybody dies

"WOO-HOOO!!" Said Jyn and Cassian once they reached the top, tired, sweaty, but nonetheless they had made it this far.

"Quick!" Said Cassian. "Plug it in!"

Jyn wired the plans to the transmitter. She was about to send it, when she heard an awfully close gunshot from a tall man in a white suit. It was Orson Krennic, and he was clearly not pleased with this.

"WHO ARE YOU?!" Orson yelled.

Jyn turned around, an explosion forming behind her. She shot him in the stomach, although he was partially wounded.

"I'm Jyn Erso." Said the asparagus, boldly. "You know, the little girl your men killed fifteen years ago?"

Jyn flung her weapon around like a gunslinger.

"Prepare to die." She said.

Orson was in disbelief. He quickly grabbed another gun, and was about to aim it at her, when he felt a cool breeze on his lower body.

"Oh my..." said Jyn. "What WOULDN'T you do for a Klondike bar?"

Orson looked. He looked down, face reddening. Orson screamed internally, for his shirt had ridden up and his midriff was now on display for Jyn.

"No..." he moved back, huge, slightly bloodied belly jiggling with his every motion.

Orson picked up the pieces of his corset, to his horror it was ripped to shreds.

"NO THIS CAN'T BE!!"

"Oh, it be sweetheart, it be."

"You better

think!

(Think!)

Think about what you're tryin' to do

to me,

Yeeeaah,

Think!

(Think! Think!)

Let your mind go,

Let yourself be

freeee!!"

Orson didn't know what to make of this.

Cassian however, sighed immensely, his love had the voice of an angel.

"Let's go back,

let's go back

Let's go way on

back when,

I didn't even know

you

You couldn't have

been too much

more than ten

(just a child)

I ain't no

psychiatrist,

I ain't no doctor

with degreeees

It don't take too

much high IQ's

To see what

you're doing to m-"

Orson slapped Jyn before she could even finish the second verse.

"Stop that singing, you daft girl--you think this is a MUSICAL or something?!!"

Orson kicked Cassian to the side as he was about to fight him.

"Uhh..." Jyn smiled. "Yeah?"

Cassian, with his last movement, was able to lift up his gun. He aimed it at Orson, and pulled the trigger.

"AAAAK!" Orson screamed. Cassian had shot a perfect area of his stomach, leaving a mark behind.

"Holy Cucumber!" Said Jyn as she gazed at the hole in Orson's body. "We did it!!"

"We most certainly did." Said Cassian.

Upon heaving the body of their enemy off the bridge, Jyn and Cassian pressed some buttons on the antennae, re-wired some wires here and there, until...

"We have the plans!!" Yelled the General into his comlink. "REPEAT, WE HAVE THE PLANS!!"

Everyone cheered.

However, this was no time to

celebrate...

Slowly something enormous blocked the sun on Scarif.

Every Rebel and Imperial gasped at what it was...

Large and intimidating, composed of much metal and wiring, was the great Weapon that the empire had

constructed. The name for this Weapon struck fear into the hearts of many, for it certainly lived up

to its terrifying name of "Death-

Star."

"Activate the Weapon." Said Verdura. The officers obeyed.

"This is Papa Bear to Mama Bear!" Said an officer to someone working

on the Death Star.

"We are GO for launch!"

"Launch!"

"Launch!"

"Lunch?" A gourd said.

"No!" An officer told him.

"Launch!"

"Launch!"

At that moment, the Weapon was fully charged and sent a blast at the planet. Everyone applauded, then Verdura said to Tart-kin.

"Grand Moff Clementine Tart-kin," said Verdura.

"Since Krennic's clearly gonna be dead soon, by the order of I, Lord Verdura, you are henceforth promoted to my right-hand man."

"Thank you, sir." Tart-Kin pressed

the firing button.

A beam of green light hit the surface of Scarif. Slowly, waves rose, and pretty soon a giant explosion/wave was on the rise.

:

"And I need you

now tonight,

And I need you

more than ever,

And we'll only be

making it ri-i-ight,

And we'll never be

wrong..."

Jyn and Cassian slowly walked on the beach. They splashed around a

little in the waves. The radish and

asparagus both knew they were done for, but they would at least go

out knowing that they had done a

great deal for the Republic. Despite

their inevitable deaths, Cassian

and Jyn both knew they would be honored as heroes, along with JigSaw, Blaze, Bodhi, Chirrut, and even K2.

Krennic had lost, and the Republic had won.

"Together we

can take it to the

end of the line

Your love is like a

shadow on me all

of the time

(All of the time)

I don't know what

to do and I'm

always in the dark

We're living in a

powder keg and

giving off sparks

I really need you

tonight

Forever's gonna

start tonight

(Forever's gonna

start tonight)"

"Well..." Jyn looked at Cassian,

then at the explosion/wave.

"Surf's up." The radish chuckled. He and Jyn "held hands."

"Surf's up." He replied.

"Once upon a

time there was

light in my life

But now there's

only love in the dark

Nothing I can say

A total eclipse of

the heart..."

"All pilots, set a course for home." The general said.

"10-4!" The Rebellion pilots obeyed.


	21. Epilogue

Meanwhile, on his Star Destroyer, Darth Verdura was mad as heck. He stormed through a Rebellion ship, the Rebels present's efforts were fruitless against his upper advantage of the Lite-Vinaigrette.

But, with some effort, they managed to get away, along with the plans.

"Your Highness..." said a coconut

Rebellion Soldier, giving the plans to a white-hooded figure. "Here are the plans. Guard them well."

The hooded figure turned around, revealing itself to be Princess Leia

Organic of Alderaan. She smiled at the soldier.

"Merci, Monsieur." Said Leia. "Zees are not just plans you know...zey are hope."

End.

\--

\--

"He was a

famous trumpet

man from out

Chicago way

He had a boogie

style that no one

else could play

He was the top

man at his craft

But then his

number came up

and he was gone

with the draft

He's in the army

now, a-blowin'

reveille

He's the boogie

woogie bugle boy

of Company B

They made him

blow a bugle for

his Uncle Sam

It really brought

him down

because he

couldn't jam

The captain

seemed to

understand

Because the next

day the cap' went

out and drafted a

band

And now the

company jumps

when he plays

reveille

He's the boogie

woogie bugle boy

of Company B

A-toot, a-toot, a-

toot-diddelyada-

toot

He blows it eight-

to-the-bar, in

boogie rhythm

He can't blow a

note unless the

bass and guitar is

playin' with 'I'm

He makes the

company jump

when he plays

reveille

He's the boogie

woogie bugle boy

of Company B

He was our

boogie woogie

bugle boy of

Company B

And when he

plays boogie

woogie bugle he

was buzy as a

"bzzz" bee

And when he

plays he makes

the company jump

eight-to-the-bar

He's the boogie

woogie bugle boy

of Company B

Toot-toot-toot,

toot-diddelyada,

toot-diddelyada

Toot, toot, he

blows it eight-to-

the-bar

He can't blow a

note if the bass

and guitar isn't

with 'I'm

A-a-a-and the

company jumps

when he plays

reveille

He's the boogie

woogie bugle boy

of Company B

He puts the boys

asleep with

boogie every

night

And wakes 'em up

the same way in

the early bright

They clap their

hands and stamp

their feet

Because they

know how he

plays when

someone gives

him a beat

He really breaks it

up when he plays

reveille

He's the boogie

woogie bugle boy

of Company B

Da-doo-da da-

doo-da-da da

Da-doo-da da-

doo-da-da da

Da-doo-da da-

doo-da-da da

Da-doo-da da-

doo-da-da

A-a-a-and the

company jumps

when he plays

reveille

He's the boogie

woogie bugle boy

of Company B!"

\--

\--

...In memory of Carrie Fisher... our

Princess.


End file.
